Sat night - February 12, 2011.
Mum, Mitch & I talked about how I might have the baby the next day. My parents hoped that maybe I’d have the baby on the 13th as that is my brother’s birthday. There was no pressure though. I felt extremely nervous about going into labour that night. I realised I wasn’t ready. That night I barely slept at all, I was so worked up about possibly going into labour and not being ready. The fact that I’d barely slept upset me as I didn’t want to be tired before I went into labour. I wanted to be well rested and ready. That first night of barely any sleep was a real challenge for me. I got up the next day feeling very tense and stressed. During the night I had worried about going into labour and all these things had come up. I realised I wasn’t ready. The fact that I’d had trouble sleeping and managing the pain of labour worried me. I did not want to be tired before labour. I had this idea in my head that I needed to be well rested. I had to let this go and face whatever happened.
For the next four nights from Saturday night till Tuesday night I felt I barely slept at all. I’d go to bed relaxed having had an epsom salts bath, done relaxation exercises to help me sleep and then the tension, worry and anxiety would come. My mind would become overactive and I couldn't stop thinking. I think I read a couple of books during those nights I couldn’t sleep.
It was a time of surrender. Each morning I’d talk to Mum about what was going on for me and my fears. Mum’s a counselor majoring in narrative therapy. Talking about my fears with Mum really helped me to process them. By Tuesday morning I had completely surrendered to the fact that I had not been able to sleep and that I would probably go into labour tired. This was mainly due to the fact that I was so tired that I was forced to accept whatever happened.
I’d also surrendered to the fact that I had no control over what happened in my labour.
I did a lot of mental preparation in this time. It was very challenging for me.
I had mentioned to Mum a few times over those few days if all my worries were holding my labour back.
I went to bed that night with my secret, only me, my baby & God knew.
By this time Mitch was sleeping in the spare room because I was having such sleepless nights. He needed his sleep for whatever lay ahead.
Throughout the night I kept noticing the contractions. They started getting a little more intense as the night wore on. Nothing I couldn't handle though. I didn’t sleep very well once again that night but had accepted that this was my journey.I tried practicing directed breathing during the contractions and imagined my cervix opening just a little more.
I got up the next morning and told Mitch and Mum that I’d been having somewhat regular mild contractions throughout the night. We were all excited but not too excited as it was still early labour. I didn’t want to wear myself out just yet.
The contractions were still manageable, not too intense. Mum and I got on with the day. Mitch went to work as normal. I think we made patties and did some shopping. I can’t really remember.
The contractions started getting more intense as the day wore on, but not hard to manage. I took my doula friend Julie’s advice, to ignore labour as long as possible. I found out about Julie through Mitch’s work friends who’d used her as a doula and I’d also seen her flyer around town before I was pregnant.
We tried to watch a movie that night but didn’t get very far as I was getting tired. We went to bed around 11pm, I knew I wouldn’t sleep anyway. I just lay down and rested as much as I could.
The contractions were getting more intense and demanding more of my attention. I lay down for about an hour and tried to rest. The contractions were just getting to intense and I realised I had to use circular hip movements leaning over the bean bag to get through them. I also attempted to do directed breathing to help my uterus and cervix relax so they could do the work they needed to. I felt I failed miserably at this, particularly later on when my labour got more intense, I struggled to relax and direct my breath. Everyone else had gone to bed by this time.
I decided to get up and tell Mum that the contractions were getting more intense and that I wasn’t able to sleep at all. I was now having to move and breathe through contractions. It was very hard to lie down, only to have to get up again 5 minutes or so later. I could not be still during contractions at all. Being still made the pain worse and more difficult cope with. I started walking up and down the stairs to manage the contractions and vocalising. This really helped. It got more intense and I felt a tiny urge to push (in hindsight, I have no idea why I would have felt this as I was still in pre-labour, who knows). My contractions were 3-5 minutes apart, sometimes 2 mins. Throughout my entire labour my contractions were never regular. Sometimes they would be 5 minutes apart for four contractions and then a shorter break or a longer break.
Mitch had been sleeping up till this point. Mum and I decided to wake him. I laboured with Mitch and Mum for awhile. Then when I felt this unusual urge very slight urge to push. I decided to call Gaye and Anna. They arrived an hour or so later. My contractions then quieted down a bit, they went all shy on me. I was obviously not in full labour yet, it was still pre-labour. I got shy too, I had been quite vocal before my midwife Gaye and student midwife Anna arrived. Once they arrived I found it hard to vocalise without feeling self-conscious. They told me I was probably in pre-labour and for everyone else to go to sleep. They too went to sleep for the rest of the night.
The contractions were getting more intense and demanding more of my attention. I lay down for about an hour and tried to rest. The contractions were just getting to intense and I realised I had to use circular hip movements leaning over the bean bag to get through them. I also attempted to do directed breathing to help my uterus and cervix relax so they could do the work they needed to. I felt I failed miserably at this, particularly later on when my labour got more intense, I struggled to relax and direct my breath. Everyone else had gone to bed by this time.
I decided to get up and tell Mum that the contractions were getting more intense and that I wasn’t able to sleep at all. I was now having to move and breathe through contractions. It was very hard to lie down, only to have to get up again 5 minutes or so later. I could not be still during contractions at all. Being still made the pain worse and more difficult cope with. I started walking up and down the stairs to manage the contractions and vocalising. This really helped. It got more intense and I felt a tiny urge to push (in hindsight, I have no idea why I would have felt this as I was still in pre-labour, who knows). My contractions were 3-5 minutes apart, sometimes 2 mins. Throughout my entire labour my contractions were never regular. Sometimes they would be 5 minutes apart for four contractions and then a shorter break or a longer break.
I found it impossible to sleep and lie down by this point. Contractions demanded my attention too much. I did lie down between contractions and rest as much as possible.
I rocked and rotated my hips on the gym ball to get through each contraction. This really helped me to work through contractions. I continued to do this throughout the night till morning while everyone slept. I felt a bit silly for calling Gaye and Anna way too early. (This would have been when I would have likely gone to hospital if I was having a hospital birth, how different my story would have been, they would have likely sent me home as I’m guessing I was only 2-4cm dilated).
When morning came Gaye and Anna told me I was in pre-labour, which I knew already. They said that my contractions would either die down during the day or increase in intensity. They left soon after, saying to keep in touch if anything changed or if I needed them to come again.
I asked Mitch to stay home that day as I needed him with me to get through the contractions. They were now demanding my attention to get through them. I had to focus on my body and moving, breathing through them. They were roughly 5-10 minutes apart and varying in length. Mitch and I timed them on and off throughout the day. Throughout the day Mitch and I focused on getting through the contractions together, we were a team. I was practically on my gym ball all day, getting through one contraction at a time.I did this by rocking and rotating my hips. That was all I lived for at that time, one contraction to the next. It was a very intense day. I was very needy of Mitch, and wanted him there for every contraction. He wasn’t allowed to leave for long and if he did I got Mum to take over while he had a break. At some point we attempted to watch a movie (I can’t remember what movie) but we had to pause for every single contraction so we soon gave up watching it.
The rest of the day is really a blur to me. I just remember being on the gym ball for most of the day.
I rocked and rotated my hips on the gym ball to get through each contraction. This really helped me to work through contractions. I continued to do this throughout the night till morning while everyone slept. I felt a bit silly for calling Gaye and Anna way too early. (This would have been when I would have likely gone to hospital if I was having a hospital birth, how different my story would have been, they would have likely sent me home as I’m guessing I was only 2-4cm dilated).
When morning came Gaye and Anna told me I was in pre-labour, which I knew already. They said that my contractions would either die down during the day or increase in intensity. They left soon after, saying to keep in touch if anything changed or if I needed them to come again.
I asked Mitch to stay home that day as I needed him with me to get through the contractions. They were now demanding my attention to get through them. I had to focus on my body and moving, breathing through them. They were roughly 5-10 minutes apart and varying in length. Mitch and I timed them on and off throughout the day. Throughout the day Mitch and I focused on getting through the contractions together, we were a team. I was practically on my gym ball all day, getting through one contraction at a time.I did this by rocking and rotating my hips. That was all I lived for at that time, one contraction to the next. It was a very intense day. I was very needy of Mitch, and wanted him there for every contraction. He wasn’t allowed to leave for long and if he did I got Mum to take over while he had a break. At some point we attempted to watch a movie (I can’t remember what movie) but we had to pause for every single contraction so we soon gave up watching it.
The rest of the day is really a blur to me. I just remember being on the gym ball for most of the day.
Towards the end of the day my contractions started to intensify and I felt I needed a change of scenery. I asked Mum if she could run me a bath which she did. I got into the bath but didn’t stay there long as I felt too restricted in the bath. It was extremely uncomfortable lying down and contractions were way more painful in such a restricted space. I ended up in the shower for a bit and found this really helpful and relaxing. I could stand, sway my hips and vocalise through contractions quite comfortably. I braced myself against the shower wall through each contraction. This worked for me for awhile but then I got edgy and wanted something else. I quickly got out, dried and dressed between contractions, I didn’t want to have a contraction while I wasn’t on my ball. I asked Mum and Mitch to put the TENS machine on my back. I sat on the ball, rotated my hips, used the boost on the TENS machine, had a wheat pack on my lower abdomen and vocalised. It was getting very difficult not to scream through contractions, they were that intense. Mum and Mitch constantly reminded me to keep the sounds low in my chest, rather than high pitched. I found it really difficult to relax my body and do directed breathing. The contractions were really starting to demand all my strength. I did this for awhile, maybe 30 minutes or so. Then I said to Mum I needed a change. I wanted to hop in the birth pool and I wanted Gaye my midwife here.
We had to ask my neighbour/doula friend Julie to come and help fill the pool as Mum had no idea how to do it and there was no way I was letting Mitch go do it. I needed him there to get through contractions.
The pool seemed to take forever to fill and I was desperate to get in it. I was struggling to get through contractions on the ball with the TENS machine. Finally it was filled and I could hop in. It was soooooo relaxing and really helped with the pain. My contractions did slow down though, to about 10 minutes or more apart. Mitch and I relaxed in the pool together and I worked through contractions. Gaye arrived about an hour or so later after I’d been in the pool. She saw that I was doing fine and just sat on the lounge and observed me labouring.
Mitch and Mum helped me get through contractions as I vocalised and rocked my hips in the pool. I did this for what seemed like a couple of hours, by this time I’d lost all sense of time, I was so in my body. Then I needed to pee, so I hopped out of the pool. Gaye and Mum helped me out of the pool, gave me a towel and helped me dry off. I hurried to the toilet, scared I would have a contraction on the way, peed and I had a bloody show. I hopped back into the pool and kept doing what I’d been doing previously. Mitch was amazing! He kept whispering wonderful words of encouragement in my ear. It was so lovely to hear and I felt so supported.
We had to ask my neighbour/doula friend Julie to come and help fill the pool as Mum had no idea how to do it and there was no way I was letting Mitch go do it. I needed him there to get through contractions.
The pool seemed to take forever to fill and I was desperate to get in it. I was struggling to get through contractions on the ball with the TENS machine. Finally it was filled and I could hop in. It was soooooo relaxing and really helped with the pain. My contractions did slow down though, to about 10 minutes or more apart. Mitch and I relaxed in the pool together and I worked through contractions. Gaye arrived about an hour or so later after I’d been in the pool. She saw that I was doing fine and just sat on the lounge and observed me labouring.
Mitch and Mum helped me get through contractions as I vocalised and rocked my hips in the pool. I did this for what seemed like a couple of hours, by this time I’d lost all sense of time, I was so in my body. Then I needed to pee, so I hopped out of the pool. Gaye and Mum helped me out of the pool, gave me a towel and helped me dry off. I hurried to the toilet, scared I would have a contraction on the way, peed and I had a bloody show. I hopped back into the pool and kept doing what I’d been doing previously. Mitch was amazing! He kept whispering wonderful words of encouragement in my ear. It was so lovely to hear and I felt so supported.
After maybe half an hour or so I wanted a change, so I hopped out of the pool, got dried and dressed into a nightie that said “I did it my way” - quite appropriate really. I also had to pee again and had a bit more of a bloody show. I felt hot and so I went outside for a bit in the cool night air. I didn’t stay long outside as I was scared of having a contraction outside. I went inside and that’s when the contractions really hit. These were the hardest and most intense contractions I’d ever experienced thus far. They were so long, intense and so close together. It took all of my strength to get through them. It was hard not to scream. Sometimes I did scream, when I did Mitch and Mum reminded to keep my vocalising low in my body. I had to lean forward over a chair to get through contractions, rock my hips, vocalise and squeeze Mitch’s hands. At some point I changed positions to fully lean over Mitch to work through contractions. They were so intense and demanding. I had a few where there were no breaks, with three in a row. I started saying things like “When will this stop? I just want to sleep. I’m tired. How much longer?” No one said anything but I’m sure they exchanged knowing looks. This was obviously transition.
I think I went through transition for about 40 minutes, who knows, no one was watching the clock. Apparently between contractions I was laughing and joking with everyone. I have no memory of this. After seeing the videos of me in labour I was laughing between contractions. I think I said just before another contraction after having just been laughing about something “Ok, here goes, I’m ready for the next one”. Another thing I recall saying a number of times during my labour was “I have no idea how women in hospital do this. I can’t imagine going anywhere in a car at this point. That’s the last thing I want to do.”
At some point the contractions stopped and I really wanted to pee, so I went to the toilet. I sat on the toilet for ages and couldn’t pee. There was so much pressure. Eventually I peed, much to my relief.
As soon as I finished peeing I felt like I needed to do a poo. I announced to everyone, “I feel like I need to do a poo.” I started to get excited as I knew what this meant. Someone, I think it was Anna, “Why don’t you check yourself and see if you can feel your baby’s head?” I checked myself and could feel a bag of bulging waters and a baby’s hard head. I got a huge smile on my face and said “Now I get to push!”
At some point the contractions stopped and I really wanted to pee, so I went to the toilet. I sat on the toilet for ages and couldn’t pee. There was so much pressure. Eventually I peed, much to my relief.
As soon as I finished peeing I felt like I needed to do a poo. I announced to everyone, “I feel like I need to do a poo.” I started to get excited as I knew what this meant. Someone, I think it was Anna, “Why don’t you check yourself and see if you can feel your baby’s head?” I checked myself and could feel a bag of bulging waters and a baby’s hard head. I got a huge smile on my face and said “Now I get to push!”
I walked back to the pool and hopped in with Mitch and had my first pushing contraction. They were so much easier to manage than the opening contractions. I was leaning over the edge of the pool and squeezing my Mum’s hands. After that contraction I did my own vaginal exam to see if my baby had moved down. He had moved a bit. I was so excited! My pushing contractions were quite spaced apart, about 5-7 minutes apart, no one was timing, I’m just guessing the time. This gave me time to relax between each contraction. After each contraction my baby would slip back to where he’d been.
I pushed in the leaning forward position for quite awhile. After each contraction I would do my own V.Es to check my baby’s position and how far he had moved down. It was so empowering! After awhile I felt the leaning forward position wasn’t working for me. I felt my baby wasn’t moving fast enough. So I moved to a half kneeling crouching position and knelt between Mitch’s legs. He sat behind me against the pool wall. I had some more contractions in this position and I did V.Es each time. My baby was moving closer and faster in this position. It was getting exciting. I kept asking “How much longer?” No one answered, just encouraged me to keep going.
I remember this music (it was the same CD repeating) being really annoying at some point while I was pushing and no one else noticing until I asked them to change it. I felt this interrupted the birthing zone I was in.
Also while I was pushing someone was asking how to use one of the cameras. I found this really distracting from the zone I was in too. However I soon got back into my zone again and I was able to continue birthing my son.
Sometimes while I was in the pushing stage my second midwife Karen arrived and sat quietly with the rest of the birth team as I worked towards birthing my son.
Soon I felt my baby’s head close to the entrance of my vagina. Not quite crowning but close. I knew there wasn’t long to go. It was amazing being able to feel his head. It was around this time that I felt a pop and my waters broke. I waited for the next contraction, this next one took quite awhile. Then suddenly the next contraction was upon me and I was pushing, pushing, pushing. The urge to push was so incredibly powerful. While I was pushing I could feel a burning sensation as his head started crowning. It was incredibly intense and painful. When the pushing contraction stopped I had to wait in intense agony with his head crowning and there was nothing I could do but wait. I breathed through it, but almost hyperventilated I was breathing so fast. Gaye reminded me to breathe deeply. It was a challenge to do this because all I wanted to do was make the burning stop. In the next couple of contractions his head moved back and forth slowly stretching my vagina. It was intense and it took a lot of strength to focus on breathing and not panic.
When the next contraction came I pushed and felt his head pop out towards the end of the contraction. Then I settled back to wait for the next one to push his body out.
Then I hear Gaye say, “Aren’t you going to pick up your baby?”
“What!? He’s here?” I say surprised.
I reach down and pick up a tiny floppy body and placed him on my chest. Suddenly I am overwhelmed with emotions. I am crying and saying “my baby’s here, I can’t believe it. Mum, he’s here!” I couldn’t stop crying and saying this kind of thing over and over. I hold him close and look at him. He is beautiful. I say “oh better check he’s a boy” so I lift him up and look between his legs, sure enough, he’s definitely a boy. I don’t remember much else after the birth, it’s all a bit of a blur. I remember him starting to cry, I got a bit worried and said something about it. Gaye just said to me, “He’s telling his birth story, let him cry.” I relaxed a bit after that. My baby was safe, I was safe. We’d done it together!
I pushed in the leaning forward position for quite awhile. After each contraction I would do my own V.Es to check my baby’s position and how far he had moved down. It was so empowering! After awhile I felt the leaning forward position wasn’t working for me. I felt my baby wasn’t moving fast enough. So I moved to a half kneeling crouching position and knelt between Mitch’s legs. He sat behind me against the pool wall. I had some more contractions in this position and I did V.Es each time. My baby was moving closer and faster in this position. It was getting exciting. I kept asking “How much longer?” No one answered, just encouraged me to keep going.
I remember this music (it was the same CD repeating) being really annoying at some point while I was pushing and no one else noticing until I asked them to change it. I felt this interrupted the birthing zone I was in.
Also while I was pushing someone was asking how to use one of the cameras. I found this really distracting from the zone I was in too. However I soon got back into my zone again and I was able to continue birthing my son.
Sometimes while I was in the pushing stage my second midwife Karen arrived and sat quietly with the rest of the birth team as I worked towards birthing my son.
Soon I felt my baby’s head close to the entrance of my vagina. Not quite crowning but close. I knew there wasn’t long to go. It was amazing being able to feel his head. It was around this time that I felt a pop and my waters broke. I waited for the next contraction, this next one took quite awhile. Then suddenly the next contraction was upon me and I was pushing, pushing, pushing. The urge to push was so incredibly powerful. While I was pushing I could feel a burning sensation as his head started crowning. It was incredibly intense and painful. When the pushing contraction stopped I had to wait in intense agony with his head crowning and there was nothing I could do but wait. I breathed through it, but almost hyperventilated I was breathing so fast. Gaye reminded me to breathe deeply. It was a challenge to do this because all I wanted to do was make the burning stop. In the next couple of contractions his head moved back and forth slowly stretching my vagina. It was intense and it took a lot of strength to focus on breathing and not panic.
When the next contraction came I pushed and felt his head pop out towards the end of the contraction. Then I settled back to wait for the next one to push his body out.
Then I hear Gaye say, “Aren’t you going to pick up your baby?”
“What!? He’s here?” I say surprised.
I reach down and pick up a tiny floppy body and placed him on my chest. Suddenly I am overwhelmed with emotions. I am crying and saying “my baby’s here, I can’t believe it. Mum, he’s here!” I couldn’t stop crying and saying this kind of thing over and over. I hold him close and look at him. He is beautiful. I say “oh better check he’s a boy” so I lift him up and look between his legs, sure enough, he’s definitely a boy. I don’t remember much else after the birth, it’s all a bit of a blur. I remember him starting to cry, I got a bit worried and said something about it. Gaye just said to me, “He’s telling his birth story, let him cry.” I relaxed a bit after that. My baby was safe, I was safe. We’d done it together!
Then I started stressing about getting him to breastfeed. I offered him the breast a couple of times and he wasn’t interested yet, so I just waited. I think maybe half an hour or so after birth he started sucking. He sucked for ages and I just held him close, in awe at my beautiful baby and what I’d just accomplished. While he was feeding, I started experiencing some mildly painful after contractions, but no placenta yet.
No one but my husband and I held our son till the next day. My Mum read some Bible verses aloud that we had specifically chosen to read after the birth of our son.
Our new little family stayed in the birth pool for awhile and then we got out. I tried to birth the placenta but got a bit panicked and annoyed by it. I just wanted to get to know my baby. Gaye gave me some rescue remedy to take to help me calm down. So we all lay down together on this nest of blankets, a bean bag and mattress that the midwives had set up for us. I fed my son on the other breast. I had a little blister on the first side I’d fed him off from having him in-correctly latched. We had no problems after that though. I continued experiencing mild contractions. (The blister was incredibly painful for feeding in the following days though. I used lanacare wool breast pads and lansinoh and it healed up within a day).
I was so hungry after all that hard work of labour and birth. My lovely midwives made us some yummy toasted sandwiches to eat which I devoured.
Our new little family stayed in the birth pool for awhile and then we got out. I tried to birth the placenta but got a bit panicked and annoyed by it. I just wanted to get to know my baby. Gaye gave me some rescue remedy to take to help me calm down. So we all lay down together on this nest of blankets, a bean bag and mattress that the midwives had set up for us. I fed my son on the other breast. I had a little blister on the first side I’d fed him off from having him in-correctly latched. We had no problems after that though. I continued experiencing mild contractions. (The blister was incredibly painful for feeding in the following days though. I used lanacare wool breast pads and lansinoh and it healed up within a day).
I was so hungry after all that hard work of labour and birth. My lovely midwives made us some yummy toasted sandwiches to eat which I devoured.
After feeding my son and cleaning us up. He’d done his first poo all over me and himself. It was time to cut the cord. The cord was white as there was no blood left in it. I think it might have been 2 hours after birth when we finally cut it. Mitch did the honours. We tied my son’s cord with some lovely ties that I had made myself.
Then it was time to birth the placenta. I’d been drinking ‘After birth bliss tea’ by Blissful herbs so hoped the herbs had kicked in by now.
Mitch took our son and held him close while I concentrated on birthing the placenta. I could feel it was close but not out yet. I stood up and tried to push and nothing happened. I started panicking a bit and someone gave me some more rescue remedy to help me calm down. I tried again and got scared of the pain. (This after birthing a baby!?) Then Karen suggested blowing into a bottle with my mouth over the whole opening to help me push it out. I did this a few times and after a couple of attempts the placenta finally plopped out. Relief!
After this Gaye checked my vagina for any tears or grazes, while Karen and Anna watched. Gaye told me I had a graze and one small tag tear which would heal naturally if I rested and kept my legs closed. Gaye also showed me what my vagina looked like in the mirror, I remember it looked so weird, stretched and bruised.
The midwives started cleaning up a bit. Karen asked me what to do with the placenta. I said I’d like Gaye to make placenta prints (I’d talked to her about this previously). So Gaye and Anna set about doing the placenta prints on a few pieces of paper. I have them somewhere (still packed up after our move) and it’s beautiful, it looks like a tree - the tree of life.
Then our little family went into the bedroom. Gaye helped us put a nappy on our new son. Then we all lay down together to have some much needed sleep. The midwives left and we finally slept.
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